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M O N D A Y
How to keep a healthy level of insanity
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@Uwillnotwin.com... or
Elvis-the-King@iseedeadpeople.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6) Pretend an unnatural fear of staplers.
7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".
9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
10) Don't use any punctuation
11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14) Sing along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
18) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" 3rd time this week!!!"
20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
21) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
22) Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

T U E S D A Y
Things you will never hear in the South
- Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.
- I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
- Duct tape won't fix that.
- Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
- We don't keep firearms in this house.
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- You can't feed that to the dog.
- I thought GraceLand was tacky.
- No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
- Wrestling's fake.
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians.
- Do you think my gut is too big?
- I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
- Honey, we don't need another dog.
- Who's Richard Petty?
- Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
- Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
- Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
- Trim the fat off that steak.
- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
- The tires on that truck are too big.
- I've got it all on the C:\ drive.
- Unsweetened tea tastes better.
- Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
- My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
- I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
- Checkmate!
- She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
- I don't have a favorite college team.
- Be sure to put my salad dressing on the side.
- Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
- Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

W E D N E S D A Y
The Navigator
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

T H U R S D A Y
Wrong number...
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have "Eyes of Blue" and "A Love Supreme"?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get to setting one."

F R I D A Y
Computer humor...
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
* * * * *
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
* * * * *
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a "P".
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "P" on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
* * * * *
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
* * * * *
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
* * * * *
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
* * * * *
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
* * * * *
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
* * * * *
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right? "
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right? "

W E E K E N D
Go home! You shouldn't be working on the weekend!